Getting philosophical about a car.

The Escalade.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, then you have seen my pictures and you've witnessed my excitement over the great huge hunk of metal that is an Escalade. I've always wanted one. Well, not always...since high school. Same dif. We hunted and I dedicated an entire week of my life to comparing prices, and researching, and then my dreams were filled with Kelly Blue Book at night.

Then I noticed that my chest was starting to feel tight. I thought I was excited. In reality my arteries were constricting due to the anxiety. Or something like that.

I emailed Richie. Sweetly, and not at all my usual approach when it comes to Richie, I lowered the boom. Get in my world real quick. I told my outdoorsy, slightly rugged and rough around the edges, unPC hubby that I in fact did not want an Escalade or a Yukon, but a much smaller cross over. I was even so sweet and kind to include a link. A link to what I thought would be a compromise. A "fuel efficient" vehicle. Heh heh. That was a funny email to type. What was even more funny was that he called me at 9am the next day, when he knows that I never get up before 10, to tell me that he agreed with my plan.

I was so pleased. Maybe we aren't as opposite as I sometimes assume. Who am I kidding, we totally are! But we do seem to get on the same page when it matters.

I freaked myself out a little. I got a little extra jingle in my pocket, and I was on my way to driving a gas guzzling, "luxury car". Eww. I can't stand people like me. The week before I splurged (yes I said splurged) and bought a bike trailer so that I could bike to the farmer's market this summer. How did I make that leap? I'm still not sure.

I'll spare you my life's philosophy on simplicity, being authentic, and my occasional tree caressing warrior side. But the visions of Escalades and sugar plums is a thing of the past...for now.

Just Odd.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm odd. I really do.

All my life I have preferred to be alone. I can remember playing alone a lot as a child. I don't know if it was me responding to my surroundings or just the way I am. I'm the youngest child. So young in fact (he he- that's for my sister) that at times it was like I was an only child. My sister is ten years older, my brother almost thirteen years older. My brother was married and out of the house when I was six, and I was an aunt a month shy of my seventh birthday.

I've never made friends easily. I'm not easily impressed. I'm not a snob, I just have a hard time giving my time and energy to people that I don't respect so my circle of friends has always been small. Aside from my family (the built in friends) and my church family (pretty much like blood relatives to me) I have roughly two friends.

I'm a hermit. One of those social oddities that could, in fact, not leave the house for a week and not notice. My kids will start to get stir crazy and I'll realize that we haven't left our house or yard for a few days.

I get depressed when I go into public sometimes. See this is where I start to wonder if I'm normal, if normal people think this way. We live near a highway that is absolutely saturated with stores and restaurants of all kinds. If it isn't on that highway then it doesn't exist. It depresses me. Society is weird and all that "want" in one place is sort of mind blowing.

I had to do a lot of research in school on artists. I was in an AP art program and it was part of the class I think. I'm pretty sure that was the one. Anyways, the common thread with artistic people I found often was that they can easily get lost in themselves and struggle with relationships. Not in a selfish way, their minds just operate differently...clearly. I'm not sitting here proclaiming greatness. It feels ridiculous to refer to myself as an "artist", but I definitely don't think the same way that a lot of people do.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm good for my kids. I talk to my kids, but I'm not a talker. Those people that you see in public that constantly talk to their children weird me out. I educate my children, we cook together, we play sports and we take walks, but a lot of the time I'm quiet. I just hope that someday they don't think that I didn't care because I had my nose in a book a lot, or music was our background noise instead of chatter.

The only reassurance that I have is that they love to watch me create. They are absolutely wowed when they watch me paint. They think I'm magic. Once again, this isn't me with a blown up ego, they are children. Maybe that's how we communicate?

I'm not one to care what other people think, or compare myself, so maybe I shouldn't bother at all. But I do wonder. I will freely admit that I wonder. I rarely connect with people and feel like I can be myself without people glazing over, or not knowing what to say back. People have said that I'm strange, my own mother. Joking of course, and I'm not offended, but I know that I'm different and that on some level she means it.

I also doubt myself as a Christian. We're supposed to be hospitable, and reach out...be social. It's hard for me. The only reason that people can even begin to think that I'm social is because I have consciously worked on being social for God. When Richie and I were first married I was so backwards socially that he did all the talking. I just stood behind him. I try now. I ask questions and I push my boundaries. Sometimes I even enjoy it.

I just hope that I don't ruin my kids.

The Joy List

I have a really great life. Really! I'm not just blowing daisies up your butt. I've been working hard lately at filtering out toxic things and people, and I'm trying to be as positive about things as possible. Except when I PMS. Sorry, but I can only give so much. My new favorite word is Joy. So I'm going to make a list here about what makes me joyful, or what I appreciate, on a monthly basis. It's just impossible to throw a pity party for yourself when you count your blessings. Bring on the JOY!

• Family. I have a big family, and I'm thankful for every one of them. Cousins that are my best friends, aunts and uncles that are so awesome I feel right at home in their homes, and of course my immediate family. There just aren't enough words to say how great they are.


• A warm, dry home. It may seem basic, but it really isn't. In some countries my home would be considered a palace. I've been blessed enough to have a husband who works harder than anyone I've ever known, and he's given us a great place to call our own.


• Clean water. It may seem corny but every time I turn on the water to do the dishes I praise God for giving me clean water. Think about how hard it would be to get through the day without clean water. A lot of people don't have it. I'm blessed!


• Good health. Without good health you have nothing.


• The freedom to sit in church and worship my God without having to fear for my life.


• My Bible. It's as basic and needed as food on the table and that clean water that I was talking about. It's my sanity, and everything good. What on earth would I do without it?


• My dog. He's me shadow and my little heater. He never judges me, and loves me unconditionally. Plus, he is so stinkin' cute!

I don't multitask.

Yes that's right. I don't multitask. It's just not within me. I am my father's child. I concentrate on one thing and do it well, or at least try to. Wait, wait, maybe I do multitask. I can eat cheesy poofs and blog at the same time. Talent I tell you. So my life is difficult right now by the most selfish and pathetic standards. I'm really beating myself up this week and telling myself that I suck a lot. I'm trying to honor some commitments and on top of my usual life it's too much. It's sad really. My house is a wreck, my children have eaten a lot of crap this week, and I'm stressed so I'm an emotional-eating-war path-walking-nut. Then I get stressed because I've eaten too much and my yoga pants are all that fit. *sigh* I'm overwhelmed. Where's the pie?