Sunday, October 30, 2011

I've come a long way.

I've had a rough night. I'm hormonal, and I also made the mistake of finally reading the recommended parenting schedule of the 16th district court. It pissed me off! It still boggles my mind that I, a good woman who probably did too much for her husband, was...a) cheated on b) cast aside for "the dirty tramp" AND c) must now share a large portion of her children's lives and time with above mentioned idiot and "the dirty tramp". I'm pissed that there could be a possibility that every other year I may not even see my children on Christmas. I'm pissed that I will have to go two weeks in a row during the summer without them.

It's just unreal that an individual can make such a selfish decision and others are just left to deal with it.

Then I came home, went upstairs to grab some pjs, and had an absolute meltdown. It was a good one. I hadn't had one in awhile...I was due. It was a throw-myself-on-the-bed-that-I-haven't-slept-in-since-he-left-and-sob sort of a meltdown. I just kept thinking, "He was JUST here. My life was JUST normal. I JUST spent everyday with my kids, never having to worry about kissing them goodbye and hoping that they are properly cared for". And it's strange that I thought this because being "married" to him seems like a life time ago.

What the bloody hell?! No, really. Let's back this train up, because for the 4,847th time HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

And then I pulled myself together, got dressed, reminded myself that no, at the present time there is no one waiting for me. There is no one there to make that bed worth it. And while we're on the topic, for the love of Pete it would be great to be hit on by a guy that isn't 18 or 40!! Seriously, I do believe that there is a large demographic missing, my age group.

Then I realized that I was really tired, and I had a headache, and that I just wasted a huge chunk of time throwing a fit. I don't know how I rode this roller coaster for months. I don't know how I physically, or emotionally, survived fits like these 10-20 times a day. How on earth did I survive those first months, weeks, days, or even hours? There were times when I distinctly remember begging God to get me through the hour. "Just let my heart keep beating until 4", for example.

I'm so thankful that I'm through the thick of it, and outbursts like these are spacing out. I've come a long way. At least I have distance traveled on my side.