Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I used to paint on a daily basis. I used to leave with a camera and do my thing. Up until the middle of this summer I would do some embroidery or knit. But lately, I'm worthless in the creativity department. It's really frustrating.

For a very long time I was working out six days a week. I was beginning to see a post childbirth form that I was comfortable with. I had a ton of energy.

Then something happened...and I'm not sure what.

I need to get back to all of that. I need to put myself back near the top of my priority list. As a mother it is way too easy to bump yourself to the very last thing on the list.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


I am feeling restless lately. I feel as though I have completely worn out the possibilities of summer. Fall and winter are beginning to sound better all the time, any type of change would be nice. Back in February, when we all had the flu and we were bored out of our minds, I would have killed for this time of year.

For me, being a stay at home mom is a challenge for two reasons. First of all, I find it very easy to get stuck in a rut. I am not a very social person. It's very hard for me to get out of my comfort zone of my family and my best friend and branch out. So I tend to beat certain things to death. Things like the library, the beach, the park, Play-doh and the swing set. And walking. Oh my goodness, the walking. I think that I have walked all of Shelby Township with the kids. The biggest decision for us lately has been do we walk in the direction of the house with the big fake cow in their flowerbed or in the direction of the hillbillies with six beagles in their backyard. I really don't live in Podunk, but the weirdos yards of our neighborhood seem to be the most appealing to the kids.

The second reason that being a SAHM is difficult for me at time is that I'm a loner. I love being completely and totally alone. Once the kids are in bed the possibilities for me are endless. I could become a total hermit and wouldn't mind one bit. I could read, do pilates and yoga, paint, and putts around until kingdom come. It makes me feel guilty that I am really bored when they are up most of the time. I love my kids more than life, and I love being a stay at home mom, but I feel like I'm repeating yesterday a lot of the time. I suppose it's increasingly hard because I am a married single mother most of the time. I'm not complaining, I am unfailingly thankful that Richie works like a dog for us. I'm even more thankful that he is on the same page as me when it comes to feeling that me being at home with the kids is the only option for us. It would be hard for me to hear that my husband didn't feel as though I was doing enough if I wasn't "working".

So I'm trying to figure out something that will make me feel more content. I'm thinking about going back to school for the winter semester, but I go back and forth. My kids are still little and they need to be where the majority of my attention is focused, going back to school full time would make that difficult. I have to see if financial aid at OU would allow a part time schedule. For now I'm considering seeing if my mom would be OK with watching the kids for a day every week. For me getting a hot tea and browsing through the library or the bookstore without two bored kids hanging on my leg is all I need. I'm a very simple person, and it isn't hard to make me happy. It's just very hard for me to never have a break. I suppose Richie's schedule would be hard on any wife, but I need some time for myself that isn't after 9pm when all of my abilities and energy has been zapped. What do all of you do to stay sane, and feel like you are a human being and not just a mom?

Sunday, May 31, 2009

My Fortune

When Richie and I were first married I got a fortune, in a fortune cookie, that I have kept in my wallet next to our family picture to this day. It reads, "If you can't be happy with what you've got, how can you be happy with more?" That simple little fortune has gotten me through a lot of really rough times. Like when I would go to the grocery store when Tristan was a baby to get groceries and say a little prayer that my debit card wouldn't get declined, and we would get through until pay day. I would look at our family picture with that sweet little boy and read that quote, and I would remember that I had all I needed, and we were doing all that we could.

Those days have slowly passed, but I think that it is a very valid statement still, that stands the test of time. It isn't the "stuff" that should make us happy, but the time spent with family and friends. The times that we are totally in tune and conscious in conversation with loved ones. I feel that the US as a whole has found itself in this financial situation because people have lived so far outside of their means for so long. People have tried to fill themselves up with things that can't possibly do that. People have spent way too much time trying to impress people that they don't even know. I hope that the silver lining in this economic crisis will be that people have learned to be happy with what they NEED. And have learned to know the difference.